No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
