I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
