the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
