i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
