I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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