A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
