tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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