Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
