Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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