I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
