I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
