I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
where are my eyebrows?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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