i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
