hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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