he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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