Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
