my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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