Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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