Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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