please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
