"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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