The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
