My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Houston, we have a squirter
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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