so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
