I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
