I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
