On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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