When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
