his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We need to get me chipped asap
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
