there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
