You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
