im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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