Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
