how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sober January is a disaster.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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