Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
