If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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