in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I need a beard to bite.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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