haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
