she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize