time to smoke my breakfast
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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