i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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