The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
