dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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