Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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