she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I could fuck to npr.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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