Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
