I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
