Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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