I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My vagina just recognized that song.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
