It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
