he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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