genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
