He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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