at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
