We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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