I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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