Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize