Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize