I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
